Endless Reflections

So, I’ve had writer’s block for this blog for a while, balanced out partially by the fact that my zine has been going pretty well, I’ve been really busy with it, and I think all of my inspiration has been going into that rather than here. That’s not a bad thing at all, since I’m hoping to get it done by July 1st, not that far away at all.

However, I just saw this. I don’t know what to think. I’m sure it is new, it’s not something I’ve seen before, but searching Yahoo I found this,so I guess that must be what it is, I can’t believe I hadn’t heard about it. I wonder if it will come to the UK or if that was it, I guess since it’s 2009 now that was it, which is lame.

Still, that has confirmed one thing for me, I thought I was totally sick of The Sandman after writing my dissertation on it, but the excitement when I stumbled on that teaser page proves I’m obviously not, which is nice. It also reminded me I was going to post my dissertation on here, so, sometime after 19th June when Iget my results, I’ll post my dissertation up here for you all to read.

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The end of an era

I’ve finally finished my dissertation, I handed it in on monday. It’s ok, it’s not as good as it should have been, but it’ll do, I don’t think I’ll get an awful mark, and I did work really hard on it.  I should be much more pleased than I am, now all I feel is relief, but to be honest I don’t want to finish uni, I never have. All I have now is one more essay to give in, which I’m actually struggling with simply because the effort to do anything other than sit in my room reading is enormous, and of course the books I’m reading aren’t the ones I need to write about. But once that’s in on monday it will all be over, three years of uni, and I’ll have a mediocre degree and no job, and no prospects.

Everyone else seems to be going on to some sort of MA or something, or at least fine with working, and having an idea of what they want to do. I didn’t get accepted for any PGCE courses, then decided I don’t want to be a teacher anyway, but it was far too late to apply for anything else, even if I knew what else I want to apply for anyway, which I don’t. I’d love to do an MA, all I want to do is study Victorian literature forever, but I don’t want to be a lecturer, so an MA would just be another year putting off the real world, and another £5000 debt, or whatever it is.

I’m looking for a job, it’s not going very well. I’ve got lots of experience, but only in retail, and only as a sales assistant, and there just aren’t any sales assistant jobs out there, without even adding in the fact I have green hair and a tendency to be unable to control my moods, no ‘high end luxury fashion retailer’ is going to want me. I applied for a job in Harrod’s, god knows why because if I get as far as an interview they’ll have made up their minds not to offer me the job as soon as they see me. To be honest the whole idea of working is terrifying, I have enough trouble making myself get dressed in the morning, working 8 hours a day, every day, is something I can’t even comprehend. I can see I’m going to end up on the dole, but then I won’t be able to afford to go home and see my family. All of this is very miserable, but there’s nothing I can do to avoid working for at least a year, and all the time I’ll be hearing about how much my friends are enjoying their MA’s, great. Growing up is rubbish.

My expanding family

I haven’t been very active for a little while, because I have been super busy. Firstly, my essays are all starting to be due in, I’m just about to give one in today, and I have another due in on Friday plus my dissertation is due next week. It’s all going well, though it is also fairly stressful. I’ve very much looking forward to knowing they’re all ok and given in.

The other thing is that my personal life has been hectic, not least because my mum gave birth on Friday. My little sister was born at 6:45, Friday May 1st, after an incredibly short labour, weighing 7 pounds 3. She’s called Keturah Ellie Violet, though she’ll mostly get called Kitty, and is absolutely lovely, with masses of amazing dark hair. I’m thrilled with her, she’s really well behaved and very cuddly. Of course I spent four days at my mums to help look after the other children and see her, I’m quite sad to be back because I had a really lovely time, and I can’t wait  to go back in a couple of weeks to see her again.

Here she is just after she was born:

keturah

I’ve got a lot of work to do on essays over the next few days, but I’m hoping to get a proper post done within the week, until then my personal life will have to do.

Change of Plan

I’ve recently come to the horrible realisation I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I’m going along the route to become a teacher, but it’s actually a relief that I didn’t get into uni to do a PGCE this year, and that seems a pretty big sign that maybe I don’t want to be a teacher. I’m at least back to enjoying my degree, but even if I could get the financing to do an MA, and stay in education, I don’t think I could be a lecturer, it’s all speaking in public and talking to people. My mum thinks I should be a librarian, I don’t know, at least I could do. Really I want to write book reviews for The Guardian, and have my zine take off, neither of those will happen, this year at least I’m going to end up in a dead-end retail job.

None of this is helping my life be less shit. I am having to actually work to be happy, but it’s not so bad, at least I have lots to do, I’m loving the Jung I’m reading, and all the Sappho stuff, and yesterday I wrote a manifesto for my zine, God, it’s so pretentious, I seriously have this vision of the zine being something like one of the tiny magazines the Modernists published. I’ll be just like T.S. Eliot!

Music is helping so much at the moment,it’s a chliche but it’s true, especially loud shouty stuff, Against All Authority, Capdown, Random Hand, Propagandhi, and I have tickets for Propagandhi and Catch 22 now, as well as Streetlight Manifesto. I’m holding these out in front of me as little rewards for writing Chapter 1, or getting through my Virginia Woolf essay, or whatever.

This has been a pretty pointless entry, next time expect musing on Tiger Army and the figure of the beautiful dead woman in Victorian poetry to make up for it.

Jung and Identity

I’ve been reading lots of Carl Jung for my dissertation, I’m writing about identity in The Sandman, by Neil Gaiman, and Jung seems to fit very nicely with several things I’ll be discussing, especially his concept of archetypes. As far as I can tell Death basically is the positive mother archetype, in fact I think the mother archetype is the reason Death is female within Gaiman’s universe, and Puck and Loki are of course trickster archetypes. The idea of the rebirth archetype will be very useful too, not just because of the number of rebirths, but because of how neatly it fits with the idea of the Cambellian hero-figure, a theory that has already been associated with The Sandman in several critical studies, and something I will be mentioning to some extent, but it is not just Dream that is reborn, and the rebirth archetype is much more than just physical reborht.

My reading has lead me to look at the personality types that have been extrapolated from Jungian theory, so of course I’ve seen what I am – two different test have told me I’m INTJ, so I more or less trust that, the personality types are one of the bits of Jungian theory I’m more convinced by. The description of INTJ is ‘the scientist’, which is not really how I think of myself, I always knew I’d come out as introverted, that was pretty obvious, but I’m apparently much more rational and judging than I thought, which is interesting. One of the things that would be interesting to do would be to sort various characters in The Sandman according to the +personality types, but I know it would have no actual value to my dissertation. At the moment it seems like lots of interesting things have no actual value to my dissertation.

The other concept that really interests me, and has ever since I first heard of it years ago, is the concept of anima and animus. For a start – how on earth does that work for people who do not identify as male or female? I don’t know if I’ll be able to discuss anima/animus in my dissertation, but the concept is interesting in light of a character such as Desire, who is both male and female, and that’s before even getting into the fact that of course the Endless aren’t people, they aren’t human, so really they don’t function like people, thinking of them as archetypes really does work well though.

The idea of the ego and the shadow could be useful too, because Jung wrote that the shadow of Jesus/God is the devil, and Lucifer is a fairly important character in The Sandman, and Gaiman does seem to follow the idea that God meant for Lucifer to fall, and so the ego really did create the shadow, just as Jung says. Again, really interesting, but I’m not sure how exactly it would fit into my dissertation.

Still, at least I’ve actually got a bit of the passion for my dissertation back, writers block is always bad, but when it’s writers block for a 10000 word dissertation due in just over a month it’s really, really bad. Hopefully now I’ll be able to get a proper start, next stop, a blog entry about Judith Butler and performativity.

House

Things in my personal life are slightly better, the big thing being – I have a house! I’m moving tomorrow, and we’d had a bit of trouble with money and stuff but it’s all sorted, and the deposit is paid, and I’m like 90% packed, with a big list of all the things I need to buy, I’m super excited, I’ll be living with three of my friends and it will be lovely. Hopefully once I’m moved I’ll be feeling a bit more settled and so be able to get started on writing again.

The other thing is that I now have two ideas for features in the first issue of the fanzine, both pretty long articles, I even have an amazing idea for a photo to go with one of them, assuming I can borrow a digital camera and my little brother and sister. I wish I was less excited about this and more excited about my dissertation, I think my next entry will be about my dissertation just so I can actually start writing something, only 7 weeks till it’s due in and I’ve done nothing…